Poor man’s “House” deserves to be knocked off air

Peter Ocko has created a monster. As the executive producer of “3 lbs.” — CBS’s latest medical drama — Ocko is supervising the ugly stepchild of FOX’s “House, M.D.”

It was bound to happen. Every successful show is inevitably cloned by other networks, hoping to get a sip from the keg of glory. Like an elementary school mimeograph, the duplicates can never compare to their predecessors.

“3 lbs.” is no exception.

The show stars Stanley Tucci — a true gem of an actor — as the arrogant, genius neurosurgeon Doug Hanson. Tucci’s limitless talent is wasted here; he seems to be sleepwalking through a part that alternates between uneven and bland. Mark Feuerstein costars as Hanson’s protégé, Jonathan Seger, who is — of course — his complete opposite.

The key to understanding the show is that Hanson sees the brain as “wires in a box” while Seger “honors the mysteries of the mind.” It’s “ER” meets “The Odd Couple,” and the result is a mind-numbing disappointment.

With dialogue that’s one part heavy-handed philosophical debate, one part neurological gobbeldy-gook and one part insipid drivel, the show takes a promising premise and steamrolls right over it.

The problem isn’t so much that episodes don’t have engaging plots — on the contrary, the ideas and themes it explores are fascinating. A woman is forced to decide if she wants radiation treatments that will save her life but end the life of her unborn child. A mother, faced with losing her daughter, has to choose between two risky surgeries.

These are compelling stories! Unfortunately, the execution leaves much to be desired.

The characters of Seger and Hanson are simply defined as the opposite of the other; they exist solely to disagree with one another, though never passionately or convincingly.

Their arguments hardly ever lead to anything remotely close to change or growth on either side, and it’s hard to imagine watching even 13 episodes of the same back-and-forth between these two.

The other characters are instantly forgettable drones. Without personalities or any specific character traits, they could be played by any actor — their place in the story would not change were they to be portrayed by a small Asian woman, a heavyset African-American or a blonde-haired Swede.

Contrary to the pleas of the show’s theme song (an inexplicably chosen “Calling All Angels” by Train — the same gem we remember from 2003), things are not “gonna look up” for this drama’s ratings. Its second airing marked a 7.5 percent audience decrease from its premiere, and the third episode pulled in only 3.1 million viewers.

I’m disappointed in Ocko, who’s worked on great shows like “Boston Legal” and “Dead Like Me.” I’m disappointed in Tucci, who made an excellent guest appearance on “Monk” last summer as an actor portraying the goofy detective. I’m disappointed in Feuerstein, who had a powerful recurring role on “The West Wing” as a Republican lawyer with a conscience and a brain. The talents of all three men are wasted on “3 lbs.”

In episode two, Seger makes the mistake of sleeping with a patient’s lawyer (I’m no expert, but he may want to consult some sort of ethics manual on that one).

“Now I regret it,” he admits, toward the end of the episode.

“I regret some things too,” the lawyer replies.

So do I — especially the “3 hrs.” I spent watching “3 lbs.”

The triumphant return of "Reality"

The kings of reality TV have both returned to CBS. "Survivor" premiered in its trusty Thursday-at-8 p.m. timeslot a week ago while "The Amazing Race" moved to its new home, Sundays at 8 p.m., Sept. 17. Both shows added shocking new twists, but it was four-time Emmy winner "Race" that recaptured my heart after a season's absence.

I thought I'd finally kicked the habit of "Survivor," but that all changed when producers announced that tribes would be divided according to ethnicity. Shocked and appalled at first, I soon grew curious to see what would happen when the four teams finally merged.

After watching the pilot episode, it's clear that each of the four tribes - black, white, Asian and Hispanic - had the same frustrations, trials and personality conflicts that contestants have had since the beginning of the series.

When the tribes merge, things will become more interesting, although I think that, too, will feel more like the previous seasons than people realize. If anything, the issue over race will slightly inflame the fierce loyalties that have always been part of the tribe mergers (for reasons I'll never understand).

The real difference with this cycle is the presence of four teams, rather than three or two. This has the potential to throw a wrench into team strategy when the merge happens, as teams will have to form multi-tribe alliances to get rid of the weaker groups.

Fascinating as "Survivor" may be, it was "The Amazing Race" that had me hooked by the third minute of the show.

While introducing husband-and-wife team David and Mary - and I can't believe I'm admitting this - I was brought nearly to tears. Mary explained (in her Stone, Kentucky, accent) "I didn't think David'd want anything to do with me, because he's so cute. And I'm just normal."

"Finally I had to go out and just about beg her to come talk to me," David continued.

"Yeah, he liked me," Mary said. "And it was really cool." The couple has been married nine years and, let me make this clear: David's a coal miner, not a supermodel.

This is what "The Amazing Race" does best: it presents real-life couples, warts and all, in some of the most stressful and triumphant moments of their relationships.

David and Mary are my favorite team (at least for now) due to a moment toward the end of the first leg of the race. Tom, one half of the obligatory gay couple, was trying to scale the Great Wall of China and beginning to lose his head. His partner, Terry, tried to offer encouragement and support from the ground while Mary looked on anxiously.

"David, I ain't helpin' another team," she finally said, "but Tom, just don't panic and you'll be okay."

Another fascinating team to watch was Bilal and Sa'eed, best friends whose ultimate goal for the race was to "show the world a good example of a Muslim." Their constant prayers lent an air of mystery to the team, until Bilal jumped into a cab after a challenge that had forced him to eat fish eyes.

"I'm from Cleveland, Ohio!" he said, "What do I know about chopsticks?"

Instantly, I realized I'd been categorizing these men as "Muslims" when, really, they are so much more than just that. It was a sobering moment - one that's an example of "Race's" incredible ability to introduce viewers to new cultures, whether it's through the teams or the locations they visit.

The producers have worked hard this season to find interesting combinations for the teams, including a pair of single moms, two male models who are also recovering drug addicts, a couple of beauty queens (Ms. California and Ms. New York) and, finally, a father-daughter team.

That last one is notable because the father, Duke, admitted early in the show that he had been disappointed to find out Lauren was gay.

By the end of the episode, Lauren was crying as she watched her father scale the Great Wall and realized she'd never thought they'd have another chance to spend time together. Duke, too, came to understand how proud he was of his daughter.

It was an hour of feel-good, edge-of-your-seat television that launched the winningest reality show on TV today.

ABC's "The Nine": Daring premise for new drama

One of the darlings of the new season is ABC's "The Nine," an ensemble drama the network is hoping will be a successful companion to its flagship hit, "Lost," Wednesday nights. The show follows nine victims of a 52-hour hostage crisis and examines the ways in which this event binds them together and changes their lives forever.

As the pilot opens, we follow the characters as they go about their painfully ordinary Friday. With each moment that passes, they draw inexorably closer to the fateful moment when two gunmen attempt to rob the Fidelity Republic Bank.

"This'll all be over in five minutes," says one of the robbers (Owain Yeoman, "Kitchen Confidential") as the scene fades to black.

The next thing we know, police are storming the bank. Helicopters buzz overhead. Shots are fired. There is screaming. One of the hostages becomes a hero, while another is on the verge of death.

A cop (Timothy Daly, "Wings") who'd stopped into the bank to deposit his check moments before the robbery is handcuffed to a pipe. A woman (Kim Raver, "24") is huddled in a corner, her lip bruised and part of her hair chopped off. A doctor (Scott Wolf, "Party of Five") is frantically trying to stop the bleeding of a woman (Lourdes Benedicto, "24") who's been fatally shot, while her sister (Camille Gauty, "Prison Break") cries at his side.

One of the hostages, Egan (John Billingsley, "Star Trek: Enterprise"), risks his life, grabbing the gunman as the police storm into the bank. Less than three days before, the same man, after being turned down for a loan by the bank manager (Chi McBride, "Boston Public"), almost killed himself in the bank's bathroom.

And that's what "The Nine" is all about: the after-effects of a traumatic event and the ways these people find to cope and move forward. Relationships are broken and forged, resolve is tested, nothing remains the same.

In a sense, the show is basically "Lost" in reverse; instead of the main action taking center stage with flashbacks to the characters' lives, the producers chose to focus on the nuance of life itself. Each episode will begin by revealing 10 minutes of the hostage situation, then return to present day, where we'll see the effects of those events play out.

This is a brilliant idea, in theory. My biggest problem is that I really, really want to see what happened in that bank, and I think that's going to be a struggle for most people.

The show was written by brothers Hank and K.J. Steinberg (Hank is the creator of CBS's wildly successful, "Without a Trace") and directed by Alex Graves ("The West Wing"). The creative team has said that, eventually, the hostage situation will fade into the background, until it's not referenced at all, and I hope that happens sooner rather than later.

Don't get me wrong, the premise is incredibly daring, and I'm certainly going to play right into the producers' hands (I'll be tuning in each week to get another piece of the puzzle) but I'm not sure how long I can keep coming back if there's little payoff.

My hope is that the writers will be wise enough to make the characters so compelling that they draw in viewers on their own merits. That approach has certainly paid off for "Lost," and could prove useful in this situation as well.

"The Nine" is certainly one of the most provocative new shows, but I'm not convinced it's going to be a hit, nor that it should be. For that to happen, it has to live up to its potential as a character-driven hour of television.

CBS's "Jericho": Bleak vision of future for non-procedural

The most ambitious new show from CBS is the mystery/suspense/thriller "Jericho," about a small town weathering the effects of what appears to be a nuclear attack on the United States. But on a network that makes its bread and butter with crime procedurals (there isn't a single night during the week without at least one), can a continuing storyline like this one sustain an audience?

"Jericho" starts out with Jake Green (Skeet Ulrich, "Miracles") arriving in town after a five-year absence. He stays just long enough to ask his father (Gerald McRaney, "Deadwood"), the town's mayor, for some money left by his grandfather, then leaves in a hurry.

Before he gets very far, all hell breaks loose, literally.

Even knowing the premise of the show, the image of a mushroom cloud in the distance struck me as terrifyingly plausible. The show takes place in the present, where reports of terrorism and weapons of mass destruction seem to fill each evening's newscasts. The most frightening aspect of "Jericho" is its connection to reality; there is a very palpable sense that this could happen.

The town of Jericho, Kansas is like any small town on television - everybody knows everyone else, and they all meet at the convenience store to gossip. When Jake returns after his unexplained absence, people ask questions, and he gives them all different answers, leading to several unsettling questions.

Is it a coincidence he returned when he did? Does he know something about what's going on? Where has he really been all this time?

The question of whether or not this was an accident pervades the first episode, titled, "The First 17 Hours." Mayor Green refuses to entertain the possibility that this was an attack, claiming that positive thinking is necessary for survival. In one of three shocking moments, he's presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

"My God," Green says, rubbing his face dramatically when he realizes the magnitude of what's happening. It's a moment that made me realize I was watching a television show, and that's never good. "Jericho's" weakness is that, at times, it has the feel of an after school special.

The pilot presents us with a situation that was never realistically addressed on "Lost": without power, without any real social structure or contact with the outside world, people tend to be less than admirable in their actions. A scuffle at a gas station pits neighbor against neighbor; the general store clerk is startled when a teenage boy seems to be looting her store.

These conflicts are interesting, if tried and true, and I hope the producers continue to probe their depths instead of abandoning everything that "Lord of the Flies" taught us in middle school. The heartwarming speech by the mayor can't stave off the reality of human nature forever.

Bearing that in mind, there are two other genuinely shocking moments in the show, one of which comes right at the close of the episode and which, I assume, will lead directly into episode two: "Fallout."

For as many questions as the pilot raises, it's hard for me to get too invested in this show yet, and that's specifically because of the network airing it. CBS has had little luck with anything other than formulaic programs. Last year's, "Threshold" lasted only nine episodes before it was yanked; how long can "Jericho" last on a network not known for giving original programming a chance?

I'll continue to watch "Jericho" for the next few weeks, keeping a close eye on its ratings and preparing myself for the worst. I hope we'll get the opportunity to find out where the bombs came from or if the townsfolk can pull themselves together, but I know deep down that there's very little chance of that happening.

FOX's "Standoff": Predictable procedural packs punch

Last week, FOX premiered its newest procedural, "Standoff," starring Ron Livingston ("Office Space") and Rosemarie DeWitt ("Rescue Me") as a pair of hostage negotiators who also happen to be sleeping together. This juicy tidbit is revealed in the opening scene, as Livingston's character Matt Flanary makes a desperate attempt to connect with a man holding his two sons at gunpoint during rush-hour traffic.

Needless to say, it's not his best moment.

Matt's plan works (of course) because, well, he's a loose cannon, so his off-the-wall schemes cannot fail. DeWitt's character, Emily Lehman, literally treats her cases like textbook examples - she wrote a manual for negotiators that she can quote from memory. It's an odd couple pairing that's about as Mulder-and-Scully as they come.

The producers, however, have done two things right: they reveal the relationship right away and they don't focus on it too long before the next crisis arises. They play to their strengths, the heart of the show being the job: to protect innocent hostages and get the hostage-takers alive.

In the pilot, a senator's son straps a bomb to himself and enters a coffee shop, demanding that television crews arrive within 15 minutes. He claims to be a Muslim fundamentalist, but Emily soon realizes he's not following any of the patterns of a terrorist.

With this development comes an unexpected revelation. The hostages are almost certainly going to be okay, but the boy is another question. Continually fighting with the tactical team, led by actor Michael Cudlitz ("Prison Break"), who simply wants to shoot the guy and go home, Emily and Matt work to save the boy's life.

The ending is predictable, the situations contrived and the characters are stock, but the saving grace for this show is its writing and acting, which are well above average.

Matt's opening speech, in which he tries to connect himself to the man holding his sons hostage is both eloquent and heartfelt. In fact, Emily later admits that she's upset Matt can't open up like that with her.

Livingston's dry wit, which has become a cult favorite since "Office Space," is still fully intact, though he was excellent last year in a guest role on "House" and continues to prove that he's not just a comic actor.

The biggest initial draw to this show, for me, was Gina Torres of the short-lived FOX series "Firefly." She's a remarkable actress and seems to elevate her role as the "strong woman captain" above the level of cliché.

There's definitely hope for "Standoff" on FOX. As a procedural, it works. It's got excitement and action in strong doses, and a sense of immediacy that keeps the plot moving.

For me to keep tuning in, though, the producers are going to have to move away from tired setups and begin to think more creatively. They certainly have the team for it: there are writers and producers from "The Dead Zone," "The Wire," "The Shield" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." There's also one from "One Tree Hill," but we can leave her off the list.

One thing to watch out for: the show currently airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. until Oct. 31. When FOX returns from baseball season, "Standoff" will swap places with "House" and begin airing at 8 p.m.